My daddy left us.

I had that dream again, of daddy and me and mummy. Together. We were happy, there was no sadness or tears or fake love. It was real love. It was a gorgeous summer’s day, children’s laughter chimed faintly in the distance as the awakening sun beamed down gently on my face. Chinks of light peeked through the holes in the gaps between the leaves of the trees, elevating the already glowing beauty the trees possessed. We were in the park all three of us eating the picnic mummy and I had prepared, and daddy was giving us all a big warm cuddle because he was feeling so cheerful and alive and, best of all feeling blessed to be with mummy and I. Daddy was making funny jokes and we all laughed. It felt so real; how I yearned for it to be real. I just wonder what it would be like to live like that again. To feel everlasting happiness and spend time with my parents as a happy family. I just want to know what life would be like if my dad was still here with me, with us.

7 years old

My daddy left us. He said he was going to the supermarket, but he hasn’t come back for 4 months. I am scared, I see mummy crying all the time. Her eyes are red, swollen and she can’t even muster a smile.

10 years old

I always thought daddy would come back but I have lost all my hope. He sends me cards and calls mummy, so he can speak to me, but she doesn’t let me speak to him. She burns his cards in our fireplace. How could she? Doesn’t she know it was her who made me lose my hero, lose my knight, lose my everything? I do love her, but that love is beginning to fade and my feelings towards her almost resemble hate. Almost.

13 years old

I feel nothing but thriving sadness and rage and it is all mummy’s fault. I get really angry at her and scream and, hit her because I blame her for daddy leaving. I blame her for drinking and bringing home strangers every night. I hit her because I am learning how much hatred and sadness can consume you. And I blame her for making my life a complete and utter misery, and not giving me a proper childhood, and now she doesn’t love me.

21 years old

Everyone is smiling. There are families. Together. But my family isn’t here. I managed to get into the university I wanted, I got top grades, got a really good job. But it isn’t family. My mum couldn’t even get out of bed this morning because of her extreme hangover. And my dad well… he never came back, turns out he moved on. Has a new wife, daughter and son. That he loves more than me. Couldn’t even make it for my graduation, even though he was the one who told me when I was seven he’d be there on my graduation day. He was the one who wanted to see me shine, it wasn’t mum- she was never that bothered. Now, I am here alone. I guess nothing has changed there for the last 10 years. But, it is alright because I have learnt to cope with loneliness even if it isn’t fully coping, it is still progress. And I have accepted that my dad has gone, he has moved on with his life and that things might not change for him. But I know that I have been able to change me and my life in so many positive ways. And I will keep on pursuing the greatest future that I can have.