"He'll be Okay"

I couldn’t take it any longer. He had been like this for weeks. His beautiful head of hair was completely stripped from his scalp. The state of his face made me cringe, he had prominent dark circles that engulfed his eyes, his skin was a bleached white while sick dirtied his mouth. He tried to smile but sadness overtook his eyes which made me feel even more torn than before. I just wish this would end. Why couldn’t it be me that got ill?

You see, my brother has Leukaemia. He has had it for 3 years; 3 devastating years that have broken me so much that I can’t even sleep at night. I cry and cry every night till the room goes fuzzy and till the tears stop streaming down my face. I feel extreme guilt, despair and most of all everlasting pain.

My brother Jayden and I were pretty close before he got sick. Of course, we used to fight, bicker and annoy the lives out of each other but, we still loved one another so much. We stood up for each other when we needed it most, we told one another our secrets. On our birthday’s we’d give each other gifts and we would watch movies together at the cinema and, have incredible days out with our mum and dad. Until one day everything changed.

It was on this day that my life took a massive, unexpected and ultimately life-changing turn. Jayden had been feeling extreme exhaustion, his skin started to go pale, he was having infections after infections that weren’t going away and he was getting random nosebleeds for a few weeks. It was on the 27th of March 2015 that we found out that: Jayden. Was. Diagnosed. With. Leukaemia. Those five words never stop haunting me. I was shocked, utterly shocked and confused. Jayden had seemed to be completely healthy, active and looked normal before we found out he had leukaemia. He rarely got ill, rarely.

The next couple years were the worst years of my life. I had to endure Jayden suffering all the time. Imagine seeing your once normal and loved best friend who you used to spend most of your day with, in front of you every day vomiting every few hours, they could hardly stay awake because of the extreme fatigue, they screamed and cried because of the severe pain they were feeling, and they were plastered with bruises and rashes all over their body. How would you feel? Because I was slowly dying inside. I couldn’t even look at Jayden because it made break down and collapse out of the emotional trauma I was facing and, it made me so upset to imagine how much physical and mental pain he was feeling.

One day I just ran into my mum’s arms for a hug and told her why I was so upset. I was in tears and they wouldn’t stop. Her hug made me feel like everything would be alright again, that everything would go back to how it was, that once again I could feel alive and Jayden would be cured. And then she gently whispered: “Don’t cry my darling I know how you’re feeling. I know that you haven’t been sleeping or eating well, or even been yourself lately and that you just want Jayden to recover. We all want that. Don’t worry he’ll be okay”. The sweet gentleness of her voice reassured me, and I actually believed her.

But she was terribly wrong. Three years later nothing got better in fact, it got insufferably worse for Jayden and for our whole family’s lives, it was a completely harrowing nightmare. Jayden was becoming increasingly weak, feeble and lifeless. I guess he couldn’t take it anymore either. It hurt. It hurt so bad to see him like that.

Then came that dreadful day that I don’t think I will ever recover from. I was sitting in the hospital looking at the ground because Jayden’s state was too overwhelming to even glance at. But then a few minutes later I decided to hold his hand. I looked into his eyes. They reflected pain. His eyes were full of misery and hurt. I smiled heartfully trying to console the intense suffering he withheld within him. And then, memories of us together started to overflow my head.

A deep feeling of love and sadness overwhelmed me. I started to remember those dear and treasured moments with Jayden and I. How we played hide and seek in the house and I’d always find him really easily, but I’d pretend that I couldn’t find him just to make him smile. I remembered those holidays when we would walk to the park and completely go crazy in the playground and learn to ride our bikes together. Oh, and that Disneyland trip we went on that was pure joy, I loved that so much! I remembered when we made our birthday cakes together and we’d eat all the leftover icing and we would decorate our birthday cakes together too, it was packed with giggles, sprinkles and smiles. Jayden’s smile. Jayden’s smile was everything. It was real, bright and colourful. I miss it so much and, I miss him being him so much.

When Jayden took his last breath, my heart was utterly ripped apart. But, before he passed away he smiled. That day I saw Jayden’s real smile that was as beautiful and as bright as ever. I think he was relieved that the pain would finally end. I was torn but I was glad that Jayden wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. And I will always remember that smile. Always.